Realizing Connectedness Goals? The Risk Regulation System in Relationships

Discerning the quality of another’s caring is a preoccupying goal in romantic life. Petals are plucked off daisies, and innocuous events, such as a glance, frown, or smile, are imbued with meaning in the hopes of discerning whether another truly cares. Such attentiveness to the evidence is not surprising given the unique interdependence dilemma posed by romantic relationships. Risking thoughts and behaviors that increase closeness necessarily increases both the likelihood and pain of rejection. Imagine that Sally has a bad day at work and comes to Harry for consolation. Her willingness to seek support is critical for establishing satis­ fying interactions, but in seeking support, she risks Harry’s criticism or rebuff. Moreover, the long-term pain of rejection only increases the more Sally comes to depend on Harry for comfort.